Moments of Being

Hello my name is Dawnmarie and I am a member of WV4A – an advisory committee of survivors of abuse, from the Woman Abuse Council of Toronto. I will be speaking this morning, from my personal experience, giving you some background about a situation that abuse and poverty has led me to. 

 

Within the Violence Against Women sector, we are very good at TALKING about the links between ways violence against woman issues are intricately intertwined with all issues of social inequalities, power and oppression.

 

I’m sure that everyone in this room can rhyme off multiple factors that reinforce conditions of inequality – race, gender, class, socioeconomic status, ability, sexuality…

 

Most of you are familiar with terms and concepts such as the feminization and criminalization of poverty, “multiple and shifting identities & social locations”, Intersectional Feminist Frameworks, the list can go on and on…

 

 – Many of you have expertise about diversity and social justice issues.

 

I am here to today to remind you about what these issues look like in women’s everyday experiences, how these issues are played out in real life… my story reflects how these concepts and terms are practiced. 

 

I hope that speaking about my experience in terms of the barriers I have faced with Child Protection, Housing, Shelters, Social Assistance, and Legal Aid will be taken up as a challenge in your work together at this conference – to move beyond talking and theories – to concrete changes within your organizations and services provided to your community.

 

I became a single mom after surviving a 9-year abusive relationship. I had to give up a full time job of $50 thousand a year and lost my car and almost everything else I owned. 

 

My first experience with domestic violence was in 1994/95 from a previous boyfriend. He became physical abusive when I tried to leave him after finding out he had been cheating on me. I sought refuge at a shelter for women and their children in crisis.

 

At the shelter, I held a feeling of hope as I had access to certain services. I was eligible for priority housing and depending on the area I chose, the waiting list would be short. I received my housing within two months. I received subsidized childcare and later was able to seek employment and begin building a career. 

 

I met another man a few years later, who I thought was the love of my life and I had a son with. After a physical assault were I was strangled, I thought he was going to kill me that night, I and went to the same shelter once again in 2003. 

 

My second Stay at the shelter was very frustrating due to Mike Harris cutbacks. I had a much longer stay with none of the benefits I received in my first stay due to cutbacks. 

 

I could not afford housing from the private market, as I had to give up my job. The Toronto Housing waiting list was too long for the allotted time of 6 months at the shelter. I felt trapped. I stayed there over six months and felt pushed to leave. I had no choice but to go back home. Hoping things would be different.  

 

One night my then 5-year-old son was upset at me, pulled me by the hair, and told me to get out of the house. He had seen his father do it a week previously. 

 

Not too long after his father attacked me again. I lost my mind somewhat and retaliated. I was arrested. I remember thinking I had to do something in order to stay away from him. He or I would have to die or end up in jail. I spent another 3 months in jail and never went back to him.

 

Bringing up a child on my own was difficult enough, but surviving on limited funds was horrific. I became depressed at the fact that I was not working and would have to apply for Social Assistance.

 

I continued to struggle and roughly, a year later I lost my home because of rent arrears. I had to stay in a Homeless Shelter. I found a little job at a bar so that I would be able to save first and last, as I was not entitled to it from Social Assistance. My son stayed with a sitter at the shelter while I worked. Unfortunately, the shelter had rules without humanity and because I had to work overtime from what the babysitting form stated on two occasions, CAS was called and my son was taken into care for abandonment. 

 

Losing all material possessions was mind boggling, but losing my son was indescribably traumatic!

 

I fell into an addiction for sometime, until I attended a recovery program at The Salvation Army Homestead. During my program, Calvin and I had weekly visits every Tuesday for 2 hours, which went smoothly until the visits were switched to Saturday for 4 hours. 

 

I thought this would have been better, but the lack of communication between the weekly and weekend staff has caused some issues.

 

One of the main problems related to our visits not being extended. I had the understanding that visitation hours would be added over time until Calvin was spending the night. When time past and this did not happen, I inquired about it to my CAS worker. I was told that I would have to start being punctual for my visits. 

 

I have only been late for one visit in the beginning and tried to tell my worker this, but I could not convince him. The time was logged in a book, that was his answer, and he was sticking to it. I wanted to see the Logbook but was told only my Lawyer could view it.

 

I phoned my Lawyer and found out I was transferred to his assistant, who basically told me to just continue to do what The Children’s Aid Society wanted me to do and not to rock the boat. I recently spoke to Legal Aid about being transferred and was told technically this should not have been done as the name on the certificate was not my current Lawyer.

 

On my next visit, I spoke to the weekend staff. They informed me that the time logged in the book was when Parent and Child met together and the visit started. What the Logbook neglected to state was that the volunteer drivers who brought my son were arriving up to 45 minutes late or sometimes not arriving at all. 

Even though I was entitled to see my son for 4 hours, I saw this happen to other parents also and had not said anything in the past.  

 

The next weekend my son did not show and I made Homestead and my Lawyer aware. I also had the staff write a letter to my CAS worker on what was really happening. My son has never been late or absent again. They provide him with a Taxi if the driver is unreliable. 

 

Once my 10-week recovery program was complete, I attended aftercare I also attended a parenting class for children with ADHD (Attention, deficit, hyperactivity disorder). My son was diagnosed while in the care of The Children’s Aid society. Those two programs where conditions set by CAS and I will say I benefited a great deal from them.

 

Once they were complete, I attended a pre-employment program on my own at Oasis for people recovering from addiction. Oases build on the life skills I learned in recovery and allowed me to practice these skills outside a sheltered environment. They also prepared me for looking for employment by way of finding my interest, updating computer skills and resume building.

 

On completion of that, I saw a flyer for Voices from the street asking people in poverty to share their experiences with others to educate the public. Originally, I joined to better my public speaking skills for employment, but I was truly impressed with the work Voices was doing and wanted to do my part. 

 

I have done so much to better my life, my situation, and myself. I have attended programming requested as well as some on my own. I have kept myself pro-active, but I feel I am not getting the support I need to make some barriers that I face go away. 

 

The integration process for my son to return home is to start after two years of him being in care. Unfortunately I could not get anything in writing that I need to provide to Social Assistance to be able to receive first and last, which I am now entitled to, to get a bigger place to accommodate my son. At the time I was renting a room and The Children’s aid society will not return my son unless I have the space for him and Ontario works will not provide me with my son’s portion of the funds until he returns home. 

 

This catch 22 has been very frustrating and it would be so easy for either side of the system to see that I have been working very hard to better my life and work with me.  

 

I have explained the situation to my Lawyer on more than one occasion; she listens to me patiently, but does nothing. She told me I was doing a great job and to continue.

 

There have been postponed court dates where neither CAS nor my Lawyer has shown for and I was just provided with new dates. 

 

My court date in July was postponed to October so that my son and I could attend counseling. 

 

We have attended counseling at the Jamaican/Canadian Association. We are now completed. I found the counseling beneficial, but I think it would have been more after I secured an apartment. 

 

I am not the type of person to wait for things to happen for me, either my hard work, Lady Luck or the Grace of God has been on my side for things have seemed to work out anyway, but I feel at any moment everything can fall through.

 

My son’s foster parents live in Brampton not to far from where my sister lives. My sister informed me that the tenants renting the two-bedroom basement apartment of the house she is living in would be moving and that I could take it over. I was very excited at the fact that my son would not have to change schools, would be able to be close to family and I would not need to pay childcare when I go back to work.

 

At the time, I spoke to CAS, Social Assistance and my Lawyer, but none of them could provide me with the help I needed to secure the place. 

 

I was hoping to receive a letter at court on the 18^th of October, to help me get first and last, but my court date was delayed so that my son could meet his new Lawyer and I was told that the date was postponed (get this) because CAS wanted to provide me with another 3 months to secure a place to live.  I have no clue what happened to his old one. I was not even informed of the delay by my own lawyer. I have provided my lawyer with all my certificates and letters from all the agencies I have attended and to date, she has not provided me with one court document or informed me of the court dates being postponed. 

 

My sister was in the process of taking over the house we live in for December first. So I allowed CAS to come see the basement apartment under the assumption that it was mine already to get the ball rolling. I regret to inform you that my sister passed away on November 16^th from a brain aneurism, which I have no doubt was a result of the stress she was dealing with trying to secure her home. My sister’s death left my world turned upside down for many reasons, but the one relating to my story here is that we could no longer obtain the house for December 1^st. On the Second visit from CAS I had to inform them of my situation and was told time was running out. We rescheduled another home visit for early January. The tenant in the basement moved out on January 1^st, but a lot of work needed to be done to the apartment. By the Grace of god and the help of my sister the work was completed and I was able to secure my apartment before the next home visit with my CAS worker. 

 

Even though my son and I have attended counseling at the request of CAS at the Jamaican/Canadian Centre, I am being told that was not the counseling I needed and need to find another one. I was provided with a number for counseling in Brampton as my son and I both live in Brampton, unfortunately when I did call I was told that I could not attend because my CAS worker is based in Toronto. Now it has been left up to me to find counseling on my own even though I have no clue as to what type is needed.

 

Another stipulation I have is that, I should be attending some form of drug programming, but I have been extremely busy attending to my sister’s 6 year old daughter, my public speaking engagements and the committees I work with. I have been getting drug screenings on a regular basis and feel that I can provide another hair test if need be.

 

Upon my case workers visit Monday January 14^th, I was basically told that time had run out for me and even though I have another two months before my next court date, The Children’s aid Society will be going for Crown Ward of my son.

 

CONCLUSION:

 

This has been a very frustrating battle and at times it feels very alone and like everyone is against me. 

 

This is my personal experience, but I am not alone. Many women, who are abuse survivors, share a similar experience in dealing with these and other social systems and services.

 

Policies and practices can look very good on paper; but they have a profound impact on the women, children and families they serve. The ways that they translate into women’s daily experiences, sometimes works against the intent to help women. Consulting, hearing from and working with those who use the programs and services, is where real accountability begins.   

 

 

 

 

On behalf of WV4A, we hope that your work over the 2 days of this conference will: 

Critically question services, systems, policies and practices, examine how policies work, look at who they help, who they hurt, who they include, who they exclude

Examine services from a perspective of diversity issues, power and privilege

Look at creating ways of working and delivering services that is sensitive and responsive to the individual needs of women who hold many social locations

Move beyond talking to taking ACTION – we can start with looking at our own agencies. It’s not good enough to shrug our shoulders, to blame abstract governments and systems… when we know that some services are not always working effectively for everyone – our challenge is how we can together become strong advocates for social change and justice

Finally, we hope that you will engage in stimulating discussions, develop action plans that will build services and create policies truly relevant to women’s needs from the diverse communities that you serve 

 

Thank you for the invitation to speak to you today, and wishing you all best for a meaningful and successful conference in creating more holistic approaches to VAW services.

Women are never front-runners

 Jan 09, 2008 04:30 AM 

GLORIA STEINEMTHE NEW YORK TIMES

The woman in question became a lawyer after some years as a community organizer, married a corporate lawyer and is the mother of two little girls, ages 9 and 6. The daughter of a white American mother and a black African father – in this race-conscious country, she is considered black – she served as a state legislator for eight years, and became an inspirational voice for national unity.

Be honest: Do you think this is the biography of someone who could be elected to the United States Senate? After less than one term there, do you believe she could be a viable candidate to head the most powerful nation on earth? 

If you answered no to either question, you’re not alone. Gender is probably the most restricting force in American life, whether the question is who must be in the kitchen or who could be in the White House. This country is way down the list of countries electing women and, according to one study, it polarizes gender roles more than the average democracy. 

That’s why the Iowa primary was following our historical pattern of making change. Black men were given the vote a half-century before women of any race were allowed to mark a ballot – and generally have ascended to positions of power, from the military to the boardroom, before any women. 

If the lawyer described above had been just as charismatic but named, say, Achola Obama instead of Barack Obama, her goose would have been cooked long ago. Indeed, neither she nor Hillary Clinton could have used Obama’s public style – or Bill Clinton’s either – without being considered too emotional by Washington pundits. 

So why is the sex barrier not taken as seriously as the racial one? The reasons are as pervasive as the air we breathe: because sexism is still confused with nature as racism once was; because anything that affects males is seen as more serious than anything that affects “only” the female half of the human race; because children are still raised mostly by women (to put it mildly) so men especially tend to feel they are regressing to childhood when dealing with a powerful woman; because racism stereotyped black men as more “masculine” for so long that some white men find their presence to be masculinity-affirming (as long as there aren’t too many of them); and because there is still no “right” way to be a woman in public power without being considered a you-know-what. 

I’m supporting Senator Clinton because like Senator Obama she has community organizing experience, but she also has more years in the Senate, an unprecedented eight years of on-the-job training in the White House, no masculinity to prove, the potential to tap a huge reservoir of this country’s talent by her example, and now even the courage to break the no-tears rule. 

I’m not opposing Obama; if he’s the nominee, I’ll volunteer. Indeed, if you look at votes during their two-year overlap in the Senate, they were the same more than 90 per cent of the time.

Besides, to clean up the mess left by President George W. Bush, we may need two terms of Clinton and two of Obama. 

But what worries me is that Obama is seen as unifying by his race while Clinton is seen as divisive by her sex. What worries me is that she is accused of “playing the gender card” when citing the old boys’ club, while he is seen as unifying by citing civil rights confrontations. 

What worries me is that male Iowa voters were seen as gender-free when supporting their own, while female voters were seen as biased if they did and disloyal if they didn’t. 

What worries me is that some women, perhaps especially younger ones, hope to deny or escape the sexual caste system; thus Iowa women over 50 and 60, who disproportionately supported Senator Clinton, proved once again that women are the one group that grows more radical with age. 

This country can no longer afford to choose our leaders from a talent pool limited by sex, race, money, powerful fathers and paper degrees. It’s time to take equal pride in breaking all the barriers. 

We have to be able to say: “I’m supporting her because she’ll be a great president and because she’s a woman.” 

 

Gloria Steinem is a co-founder of the Women’s Media Center.